Growing Pains.

Which do you want? The pain of staying where you are, or the pain of growth?

– Judith Hanson Lasater

Growing up is really hard. I remember when I was in my early teens and wanted so badly to be an adult. I couldn’t wait for the day I turned eighteen.

I lived such a sheltered life. I was the friend during senior year of high school that had to be home by 9 p.m., even on a Friday night. If you think that’s bad, I wasn’t even allowed to watch television during the week. I could only watch it on the weekends if my homework was done. The life of a kid raised by an award-winning teacher.

I just wanted to break free. I got so tired of my life being so safe and by design, I needed to do something that would shake things up and bring some color into my black and white world. When the chance came to spread my wings and fly away to my dream city to study Mass Communications for my undergrad, I got cold feet and stayed home.

The worst part about it? I didn’t chicken out because of what others were saying college life and being away from home would be like, I thought of every single negative “what if” situation that made it easy to put it all in reverse and back out of the plan of moving to Boston before I committed to anything serious.

 

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On the surface, I made it seem like my decision to stay home for college was made because I was happy at home and content with the city that I was in. When people asked, that answered sufficed.

On the inside, internal rage and suffering were battling it out to see who could make my day worse by reminding me of the choices I didn’t make towards being an adult and more importantly, being happy.

The thing about my life that I’ve found disappointing is that with all that I’ve done within it, everything seems so tame. I’ve traveled a lot and I go on adventures that make it seem that I’m living my best life, but all those adventures are fleeting in the grand scheme of what I’ve given to myself as an adult.

Have I ever lived on my own? No.

Have I ever tried to settle down with someone? No.

Have I ever committed to something as an adult? Kind of. I bought a car on my own! That counts!

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The truth is, I’m scared. I’m scared to put myself in a situation where I’ve tried my hardest, and I fail.

I keep on thinking about all that I feel like I’m ready to do in life and all that I can do in it – it’s all so exciting. Then, the dark smog of fear slowly permeates the sweet air of my dreams, and all that I believe that I can do with my life is masked by an unnerving haze.

Every “I can” becomes “I could have”, and we move on to the next big plan that I set out for myself, only to let my fear get to me, and I back out before I even allow myself to see if I succeed or fail.

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I am so sick and tired of my overthinking. I’ve told myself that my fears were right for so long. It’s beyond an acceptable point and I’m just done with it all.

I can’t keep chickening out on taking adult risks. I told one of my best friends earlier this year that this is the year that I won’t be a little bitch. I think with the strides I’ve made this year, I’ve been keeping to that statement.

It’s time to keep that going.

For the past year and a half, I’ve been trying to move to Boston. There have been two significant times that I’ve told myself and others that I would commit to moving to my future city.

I’m still in Florida.

With both of these times, I’ve learned valuable lessons. I do plan on keeping to the statement that I told my best friend early this year, but not being a little bitch doesn’t mean I should act like a dumb bitch either.

I don’t want to jump on something I have to commit to and have to run home because I did it wrong.Commitment takes thought. Growing up takes learning. Both of these things take time and planning.

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I will continue to make this year about getting what I want. I want to move to Boston.

I’m going to suck it up and do the best I can to make the adult decisions I need to make to get there. This is the most ready I’ve felt for making this move and the moment I get there, that will be the moment I’ve reached the beginning of my adult life.

I need to stop hiding in corners for safety and giving myself an average life. I want to live freely, I want to truly feel like an adult, I want my own place so I can walk around with no pants on because it’s my damn apartment and I’ll do what I want.

I’m at that point where I was when I was a teenager. I want to be an adult. The difference this time around is that I’m open to learning about what it takes to make adult decisions and to pull the trigger at the most opportune moment.

It’s obviously not going to be easy. I see friends and family go through adult trials and tribulations and it’s nerve-wracking to witness, but the good they go through is really good. Most importantly, they have freedom.

It’s time to give myself my own freedom.

 

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photos taken by the lovely Taylor McGhee and Carolina Londoño. Ladies, support your lady friends.
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33 thoughts on “Growing Pains.”

  1. All the best girl! I’ve been brought up in a different set of environment, something which is exactly the opposite of yours, I started living on my own since I was 17 and learnt so much about independence and freedom. Hope you get to move to Boston soon.

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  2. Good Luck and hope you can move to Boston. I can relate too on some, since I’ve never been alone all my life. But 2 years ago, I made a decision to live in a different country far from my family. Which I enjoy because of the freedom and being independent 🙂

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  3. Best of luck to you dear! I hope that you make it to Boston, if that is your path. I recently heard a speaker say something that resonated with me. She was speaking about being organized and seizing the day. She said, ‘nothing to it, but to do it.’ Not sure if you’ll find that useful but the words were exactly what I needed to hear. Take care!

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  4. I hope you make it Boston, having dreams and striving to meet them is a great motivator and I am sure you will reach your goals. Good luck.

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  5. We all are afraid of failure. I know I am. And I’ve failed…a lot…and it wasn’t so bad. I’ve also succeeded at some things and so many opportunities opened up because I pushed myself to try. I hope you follow your dreams and I wish you all the best.

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  6. Girl, you are head strong, and I’m sure that you will take the right decision , think for yourself and moe to Boston this year. We all at certain age have to stop thinking of others points and take our own decisions, so that we don’t regret later.

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  7. Sweetie you have absolutely beautiful spirit and I just know you will be blessed to make yiur journey to Boston!! PS I totally love that adorable dress!!!!

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  8. Well Wishes for a great new life. It sounds like anxiety has really been playing with you. It does me also. I think once you capture that fear, get out of your comfort zone you will feel accomplished.

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  9. I always have that pain of growth with me but then at the end of the day, I always think about the sacrifices I need to do for my family. I love your outfit by the way.

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  10. I wish you all the best! Taking that leap is super difficult… but when you finally do it you’re going to be so so happy that you did. Can’t wait to watch you on this journey 🙂

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  11. I love that you’re moving towards following your dreams. That’s what’s really important, to try and get over that fear and live your best life. This is such a moving post, one that will inspire others to dive in and go for what they really want in life.

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  12. I believe everyone has the same thought as they want to grow up faster when they were kids. But when you grow older, you will be facing with different challenge especially in dilemma with certain situation. But when you clear with direction, that will make your life better.

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  13. Your honesty is refreshing! I know how you feel but you look beautiful and I’m sure that you’re going to make the best out of your journey! Good luck!

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  14. When my oldest graduated I tried to get him to stay home, go to college and slow down with the wanting to adult thing… He decided college wasn’t for him, got an apartment with his highschool sweetheart and got a big boy job. I’m happy to say 5 years later they are still together in the same apartment and “adulting” very well, they’re currently looking to buy a house and start planning a family. Then there is my youngest, she just turned 19 last week. She’s in college and still lives at home (which I’m totally fine with) you see my daughter isn’t in a hurry to grow up, she never has been. She likes to really think things through before making any serious life decision’s. She doesn’t want to jump in with both feet and screw up, she’s a bit of a perfectionist. My point is, everybody goes through life at their own pace and there is nothing wrong with that. Pushing yourself to accomplish your goals is great, just remember to not beat yourself up if it takes you a little longer then the timeline you set. You WILL get there when you’re ready! You got this!!😊

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  15. Good luck with achieving the kind of freedom you deserve. It can be so difficult at times to put yourself out there. But I think making small steps to your goals will help you more in the long run. If you just jump to moving to Boston, even if it’s what you want, you might get frustrated. Taking smaller positive steps helps.

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  16. It can be hard to put yourself out there and do things. It’s easy to not go forward with plans. But you really do need to go after plans. I think breaking them down into parts makes it easier though so like big moves to Boston become more manageable.

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  17. Yesss girl, work it!! Not only do you have an AMAZING outfit to flaunt, but your energy and the message you’re getting out there is so so needed today.

    You do you. Give yourself that freedom you deserve. How other people react is their responsibility, not yours. Unapologetically being authentic is the fastest and easiest way to find the people who REALLY have your back… and skim through the people who don’t so that you have room for better ones.

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  18. I would choose the pain of growth too!! No appreciation for the sheltered life just like you I wanted to break free too as a teenager!!

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  19. I hope you can make it to Boston this year! The first step you’ve already taken is you’re thinking to move. It itself shows that you are taking your life seriously and aiming high to reach your girls. Your dress is lovely and your message is strong. Nothing can stop you girl. Get going!

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  20. Girl I am so with you! I am 25 and feeling lost, stuck and overwhelmed. So scared of failure. Keep your head up and stay strong, you got this!

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  21. Your post really resonated with me as I was in the same position as a teen. I did leave as soon as I became an adult though…When I was 18, I moved to a different continent (to a country that is also my birthplace but my parents moved away from…long story) just to make sure I put myself truly in the deep end, and I have never regretted it. The first step is always the hardest, and yes you will make mistakes, but that is part of the learning process. The best time to do this is in your youth, because the longer you leave it, the harder it will be to move forward.

    PS – Love the dress…where’s it from? xx

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