An Inner Revolution.

Have you ever heard of the January Blues? At some point in the early part of the year it feels as if there’s an all-consuming lull in positivity. The joyous and exuberant feelings that were celebrated with ardor throughout the holiday season – they become wisps of reality that we’re barely able to hold on to.

This year I honestly thought that I had successfully bypassed the dreaded January Blues. January wasn’t the smoothest sea I’ve sailed, but it was much more serene in comparison to any other start to the year that I could recall.

Silly me, my January Blues were just making a late arrival.


To start, let’s talk about what went right in January:

  • I started up my blog again.
  • I bought a new car.
  • I reached a momentous level of confidence with how my mental health was developing.

It may be a small list, but with how stubborn I can be about making cosmic decisions in regards to my life and how long it took for me to feel comfortable with managing my mental health, it’s all monumental strides for me.

I was doing okay. I was able to express myself and diligently work towards my desired successes and be happy. From how my January was going, I really thought that for the first time in a while, I had successfully managed to step into a year without tripping over my feet. Things were going right.

Let’s not forget, I did say that my January Blues came late to the party.

Just when I thought that this utopian ride through 2018 would continue, I drifted into the doldrums as February came around. Out of nowhere, I lost sight of what I regarded as important and settled comfortably into stagnation.

Getting up everyday had a different meaning. Where I used to be estatic to start the day and get work done or learn something new, I just wanted to hide away from all responsibilities and activities that required me to move, and just take a nap.

Even being around some of my dearest friends and family members in places that bring my spirits to the highest level of ascension possible, I felt like I was experiencing something outside of myself. My bank of emotions had been significantly overdrawn.


I genuinely felt that every word or action that I enacted needed a subsequent apology because I felt so distant from who I was being at the time. To put it simply – I felt awful.

What made me even more upset is that nothing prompted my behavior. There was no significant stressor that triggered my actions (or rather, cyclical inaction). It just happened.

I can call it a late arrival of the January Blues, but let’s be real. We can dress it up and give it all the nicknames we’d like, but the bare bones of it all is that this hollow feeling, It’s depression.

It’s not the first time I’ve experienced an emotional downswing like this, and I’ve managed it before. Once realized, I’m able to arrange my behaviors to do better, and best my depression as much as I can. It’s not something I’ve learned overnight how to overcome, and neither is realizing what it is that I need to overcome.


Sometimes, you need to realize how low you feel to learn what you need to do ascend to the great heights you set for yourself. The lovely Kristin Ondocsin of the Skinny Intern   painted my feelings into life perfectly with this statement:

It’s okay to fall down and lose your spark. Just make sure that when you get back up, you rise as the whole damn flame.

As much as it frustrates me when these episodes come about, I’ve realized that despite the measures I take to manage them, at times they’re just unavoidable. It’s my due diligence to ensure myself that these depressive episodes don’t stay around forever.

As peculiar as it sounds, when my depression comes about, I learn quite a bit about how I feel, and what I need to do to spark my own inner revolution towards happiness.

The hapless truth about depression is that it’s unavoidable. Despite this, just because we get stuck in a low place doesn’t mean we have to stay there.

I’ve worked so hard to make sure that the mental space that I’m at is a good one. Just because my emotions take a downturn for a little bit, doesn’t mean that I’m going to allow them to stay low when I’ve experienced the best of being emotionally high.

I like being there. So it’s time to get up, and get back to the healthy space where I want to be.



A Letter To An Overthinker, From an Overthinker.


As 2017 comes to a close, I can’t help but look back on what this year has been like for me.

To put it simply, it’s been an adventure.

I began 2017 with all my energy focused on getting to the next chapter of my life. I set up a plan that I put my heart, my soul, my everything into achieving. By doing this, I had  sacrificed so much. I put a lot of what I love on the back burner because I stuck myself too deep into the future to focus on what was happening right in front of me. I hadn’t realized that I put a great deal of my life on pause because of the blinders I put on while working towards the future. I thought I had everything laid out exactly as I wanted it, and all the moves I was making towards these plans for my life would work out as I’d hope for them to.

In the great words of Dr. Ian Malcolm, “Life, uh, finds a way.”

As much as I wanted things to work out my way, if life has other plans, than those plans will find a way to coalesce when they are supposed to. My life has always been lived by plans and self-made expectations. It’s to the point that I forget to focus on what’s most important: Me. My mental health, my emotions, my mindfulness.

I was in a place that things got so bad, I refused to acknowledge and actively blinded myself to what was in front of me. Every day I woke up, and my soul felt heavy. Doing what I love felt like a chore. The me that used to wake up and want to shine every day became okay with being an empty vessel, submitting to a rhythmic and mundane life, all for a plan.

On the outside, I was rapidly making strides towards the next stage of my life. I worked two jobs and saved a good amount of money every month, and in my eyes and to everyone else around me, it all seemed as if I was doing really well with getting where I wanted to go.

The more I lived my life like this, the more I let the light within me dissipate. By the time I left my other job, the light within me evaporated to almost nothing. I only realized how settled into a routine of misery I had gotten once I left.

You don’t just build up a dilapidated house overnight. Especially if the foundation that it stood on had some cracks in the first place. Once I realized how truly far gone I was, it took me a while to figure out how I could rebuild myself. I was terrified. Taking on the task of rebuilding something so broken is obviously not easy. I faded away, and I drifted from the light of who I was, but one thing I realized was that I wasn’t destroyed.

I’m here. The plans I’ve set for my life will still come to pass, but I’ve changed something that I’ve needed to. I’ve changed the way I take care of myself by beginning to actually do it.

For years, I’ve put taking care of my mental health to the side and just jotting it down as a phase that I could get through. Two years ago, I realized that you can’t call a constant a phase. I realized that I needed to speak to someone for the first time, and through my growth, I’ve learned different ways to ensure I live my life as the best version of me possible.

This year has given me experiences that have put me on both the highest and lowest points of the spectrum of my emotions. I began so low and empty the first half of the year, but the past six months have been an elevation of my emotions, my sense of being an adult, and my drive towards my happiness. 2017 may have given me a rough start, but with a full heart I can say that I’m closing out this year completely satisfied.

I’ve learned so much about myself that has pushed me further into understanding adulthood. I want my life to be one filled with love, adventure, and continuous learning.

At the beginning of the year, I said that 2017 would be the year of me. The year I finally learn about myself and how to be the best version of that person possible, and how to lead out a life that makes me feel whole. I feel the light within me nearly bursting at the seams. I’ve learned so much about how to give myself the good life I deserve, and now it’s time to finally do it.

A friend of mine told me earlier this year that I overthink. They were right. I take in so much about how to be a good person and lead a good life, but I think too hard about what I need to do to get there, but it’s simple – just go out everyday and work on what you want to live your best life.

Stop thinking about the minuscule specifics of how to get somewhere.

Stop thinking so hard and overanalyzing and just do.

Do what makes you happy and allows you to live your best life.

2017 was my year of learning.

2018 will be the year I take what I’ve learned and put it into action.


Time to be brave.




In Me, Nothing Is Extinguished


Every year I end on a high from the notions of what the next year has in store for me. I enter into the new year with enthusiastic strides, propelled by an ambition to seek out opportunities that guide me towards being a better person.

Continue reading In Me, Nothing Is Extinguished