A Letter To Be Better.

Hi there, it’s been a while.

About four months, actually. So much in that time has affected my emotional balance. I find it compelling how we can realize that we aren’t exemplifying our most ideal versions of ourselves until we take a step back and look at our emotions. 

These past couple of months have been filled with questions like:

  • “What on earth is wrong with me?”
  • “Why can’t I talk to people the way I used to feel comfortable?”
  • “Why do I all of a sudden feel like the best thing I can do is pretend like I don’t exist for a little?”

Take a moment to think about this. If you had to ask yourself these questions, would you be able to answer them as quickly as you’d like? I’m not a woman of patience, so it should be quite obvious that not being able to answer these questions about myself was easily a huge frustration for me. I just want to look at the sky and scream “GIVE ME ALL THE ANSWERS!”

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I know where I want to go and my heart is dead set on making sure I get there. It’s the how and when that kills me.

How will I get there?

When will it happen?

I was speaking to my therapist last week and she raised a good point about my personality:

“You draw yourself in when things don’t go your way right when you want it.”

– Dr. Cool Woman Who Has Lived The Life I Want To Lead And Holds Me Accountable For Being The Overoccasional Wuss

Damn right I do. When I want something, I work my hardest to ensure that I get it. Not particularly in the storybook way that most people work towards things though. I’ll ask my closest friends and family for advice on getting where I want to go, and I’ll run amok trying to find ways to give myself the happiness I want from the next chapter of my life as quickly as I can.

Here’s the problem: There’s no consistency.

All the stubborn bits of my personality make it so hard to say this, but in achieving my goals, I haven’t been consistent. I’m really good at looking back and saying “Why Me?” when things don’t happen the way I want them to. (I’m working on changing that!)

Like my therapist said, when I don’t get what I want, I don’t treat myself or others how they deserve.

So I’m sorry.

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I’ve grasped at the straws of so many different ideas about how to live a better life that it’s shortstopped my way of getting there, and it has made me angry.

It’s changed the way I interact with people. Knowing myself, I know that I can do better than what I have been.

I’ve been a person that I don’t like. I’ve closed myself off to the world around me and don’t let people get used to my happiness. It doesn’t make you feel like a good person when you hear “I don’t know how to act around you because I don’t know if you’re angry with me or not.” over and over again. (True Life: It sucks, really really badly.)

How do you explain that you’re being a brat because you’re not getting what you want in life? In truth, you really don’t want that to be your explanation either.

Life isn’t a straight path of serenity where everything goes your way, and it has taken some time for me to come to terms with that.

What does make the crazy ride that life is much easier though, is consistency. Stay the course, as rough as it seems.

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I’ve said so much about how I’m going to make my life better, but really, what work have I done? (It’s embarrassingly minimal at best.)

As much as it sounds like it, this isn’t a self-deprecation post. I just want to be honest here.

I’ve been an impatient asshole these past couple of months, and I’ve been taking it out on others through passive-aggressiveness.

It’s almost the end of August, so I’ve really got only three more months of this year to do right.

I’m going to work on being a truly better me, and make my actions count, and more importantly, be genuine.

I know I have all the potential to be a good person and impart the talents I have to the world around me, but I need to be consistent in my steps from now on.

I need to say less, and do more.

I’ve got to think more before I act.

I need to rationalize more.

I need to enact consistency in my life.

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I want to be good not only for those around me, but for me. There is a light that I’m running towards, and no matter how hard or tough the road may seem, I just have to keep going.

I have to keep trying to be a good person.

I’m gonna get what I want. Maybe not now, but my these past months have taught me to be consistent with my actions. I’ve learned that consistency requires quite a bit of holding yourself accountable. I need to stop making excuses for why I shy away from making better decisions for myself, and work towards taking the risks I need to live a better life.

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So what I’ve learned these past few months is that life ain’t easy, especially living a good one. It requires work, and I can’t be lazy about the life I want to live.

I’ve got to look at consistency like a mantra. I don’t want to lose course on getting towards my best life.

So here’s to more patience and consistency for the rest of 2018 and onward.

I only hope to write about how they help me get better as a person moving forward.

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Growing Pains.

Which do you want? The pain of staying where you are, or the pain of growth?

– Judith Hanson Lasater

Growing up is really hard. I remember when I was in my early teens and wanted so badly to be an adult. I couldn’t wait for the day I turned eighteen.

I lived such a sheltered life. I was the friend during senior year of high school that had to be home by 9 p.m., even on a Friday night. If you think that’s bad, I wasn’t even allowed to watch television during the week. I could only watch it on the weekends if my homework was done. The life of a kid raised by an award-winning teacher.

I just wanted to break free. I got so tired of my life being so safe and by design, I needed to do something that would shake things up and bring some color into my black and white world. When the chance came to spread my wings and fly away to my dream city to study Mass Communications for my undergrad, I got cold feet and stayed home.

The worst part about it? I didn’t chicken out because of what others were saying college life and being away from home would be like, I thought of every single negative “what if” situation that made it easy to put it all in reverse and back out of the plan of moving to Boston before I committed to anything serious.

 

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On the surface, I made it seem like my decision to stay home for college was made because I was happy at home and content with the city that I was in. When people asked, that answered sufficed.

On the inside, internal rage and suffering were battling it out to see who could make my day worse by reminding me of the choices I didn’t make towards being an adult and more importantly, being happy.

The thing about my life that I’ve found disappointing is that with all that I’ve done within it, everything seems so tame. I’ve traveled a lot and I go on adventures that make it seem that I’m living my best life, but all those adventures are fleeting in the grand scheme of what I’ve given to myself as an adult.

Have I ever lived on my own? No.

Have I ever tried to settle down with someone? No.

Have I ever committed to something as an adult? Kind of. I bought a car on my own! That counts!

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The truth is, I’m scared. I’m scared to put myself in a situation where I’ve tried my hardest, and I fail.

I keep on thinking about all that I feel like I’m ready to do in life and all that I can do in it – it’s all so exciting. Then, the dark smog of fear slowly permeates the sweet air of my dreams, and all that I believe that I can do with my life is masked by an unnerving haze.

Every “I can” becomes “I could have”, and we move on to the next big plan that I set out for myself, only to let my fear get to me, and I back out before I even allow myself to see if I succeed or fail.

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I am so sick and tired of my overthinking. I’ve told myself that my fears were right for so long. It’s beyond an acceptable point and I’m just done with it all.

I can’t keep chickening out on taking adult risks. I told one of my best friends earlier this year that this is the year that I won’t be a little bitch. I think with the strides I’ve made this year, I’ve been keeping to that statement.

It’s time to keep that going.

For the past year and a half, I’ve been trying to move to Boston. There have been two significant times that I’ve told myself and others that I would commit to moving to my future city.

I’m still in Florida.

With both of these times, I’ve learned valuable lessons. I do plan on keeping to the statement that I told my best friend early this year, but not being a little bitch doesn’t mean I should act like a dumb bitch either.

I don’t want to jump on something I have to commit to and have to run home because I did it wrong.Commitment takes thought. Growing up takes learning. Both of these things take time and planning.

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I will continue to make this year about getting what I want. I want to move to Boston.

I’m going to suck it up and do the best I can to make the adult decisions I need to make to get there. This is the most ready I’ve felt for making this move and the moment I get there, that will be the moment I’ve reached the beginning of my adult life.

I need to stop hiding in corners for safety and giving myself an average life. I want to live freely, I want to truly feel like an adult, I want my own place so I can walk around with no pants on because it’s my damn apartment and I’ll do what I want.

I’m at that point where I was when I was a teenager. I want to be an adult. The difference this time around is that I’m open to learning about what it takes to make adult decisions and to pull the trigger at the most opportune moment.

It’s obviously not going to be easy. I see friends and family go through adult trials and tribulations and it’s nerve-wracking to witness, but the good they go through is really good. Most importantly, they have freedom.

It’s time to give myself my own freedom.

 

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photos taken by the lovely Taylor McGhee and Carolina Londoño. Ladies, support your lady friends.

A Letter To An Overthinker, From an Overthinker.

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As 2017 comes to a close, I can’t help but look back on what this year has been like for me.

To put it simply, it’s been an adventure.

I began 2017 with all my energy focused on getting to the next chapter of my life. I set up a plan that I put my heart, my soul, my everything into achieving. By doing this, I had  sacrificed so much. I put a lot of what I love on the back burner because I stuck myself too deep into the future to focus on what was happening right in front of me. I hadn’t realized that I put a great deal of my life on pause because of the blinders I put on while working towards the future. I thought I had everything laid out exactly as I wanted it, and all the moves I was making towards these plans for my life would work out as I’d hope for them to.

In the great words of Dr. Ian Malcolm, “Life, uh, finds a way.”

As much as I wanted things to work out my way, if life has other plans, than those plans will find a way to coalesce when they are supposed to. My life has always been lived by plans and self-made expectations. It’s to the point that I forget to focus on what’s most important: Me. My mental health, my emotions, my mindfulness.

I was in a place that things got so bad, I refused to acknowledge and actively blinded myself to what was in front of me. Every day I woke up, and my soul felt heavy. Doing what I love felt like a chore. The me that used to wake up and want to shine every day became okay with being an empty vessel, submitting to a rhythmic and mundane life, all for a plan.

On the outside, I was rapidly making strides towards the next stage of my life. I worked two jobs and saved a good amount of money every month, and in my eyes and to everyone else around me, it all seemed as if I was doing really well with getting where I wanted to go.

The more I lived my life like this, the more I let the light within me dissipate. By the time I left my other job, the light within me evaporated to almost nothing. I only realized how settled into a routine of misery I had gotten once I left.

You don’t just build up a dilapidated house overnight. Especially if the foundation that it stood on had some cracks in the first place. Once I realized how truly far gone I was, it took me a while to figure out how I could rebuild myself. I was terrified. Taking on the task of rebuilding something so broken is obviously not easy. I faded away, and I drifted from the light of who I was, but one thing I realized was that I wasn’t destroyed.

I’m here. The plans I’ve set for my life will still come to pass, but I’ve changed something that I’ve needed to. I’ve changed the way I take care of myself by beginning to actually do it.

For years, I’ve put taking care of my mental health to the side and just jotting it down as a phase that I could get through. Two years ago, I realized that you can’t call a constant a phase. I realized that I needed to speak to someone for the first time, and through my growth, I’ve learned different ways to ensure I live my life as the best version of me possible.

This year has given me experiences that have put me on both the highest and lowest points of the spectrum of my emotions. I began so low and empty the first half of the year, but the past six months have been an elevation of my emotions, my sense of being an adult, and my drive towards my happiness. 2017 may have given me a rough start, but with a full heart I can say that I’m closing out this year completely satisfied.

I’ve learned so much about myself that has pushed me further into understanding adulthood. I want my life to be one filled with love, adventure, and continuous learning.

At the beginning of the year, I said that 2017 would be the year of me. The year I finally learn about myself and how to be the best version of that person possible, and how to lead out a life that makes me feel whole. I feel the light within me nearly bursting at the seams. I’ve learned so much about how to give myself the good life I deserve, and now it’s time to finally do it.

A friend of mine told me earlier this year that I overthink. They were right. I take in so much about how to be a good person and lead a good life, but I think too hard about what I need to do to get there, but it’s simple – just go out everyday and work on what you want to live your best life.

Stop thinking about the minuscule specifics of how to get somewhere.

Stop thinking so hard and overanalyzing and just do.

Do what makes you happy and allows you to live your best life.

2017 was my year of learning.

2018 will be the year I take what I’ve learned and put it into action.

 

Time to be brave.

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